Exploring the Wilderness of Music, Op. 2, No. 1 “The Soprano”

Thursday, August 4, 2011 at 9:38 PM
(A joint effort of blogger Mariana and guest writer/speaker Morgan)

[Recommendation: this report best appreciated when read aloud with a very fake British accent or, alternatively, you may use the recording below and read along.]

Whilst observing this rare and rather ludicrous species, this blogger came to notice that the soprano has a lofty sense of being. They feel as though they are elevated above the average mortal by their ability to screech at astronomic heights and decibels due to their heavenly status. Due to this psychosis, it is imperative that no attempt is made to subvert the underlying logic of this being, in order to avoid incurring its divine wrath.

Kathleen Battle, a particularly notorious Soprano.

Oblivious to the sane and humble mindset considered to be normal amongst human beings, these creatures have evolved a selective understanding of their surrounding environment. When presented with evidence contrary to their beliefs, diva-logic sets in and allows these creatures to continue to exist as they desire. In fact, the soprano philosophy takes Shakespeare's line "all the world's a stage" quite literally, and so the "stage" exists to revolve around them.

This species is rather territorial, as has been noted through careful observation in its natural habitat. For example, in the backstage of the opera house it is imperative that, when dealing with numerous sopranos, safety precautions be taken. In order to prevent territorial fights, all opposing parties must receive the same size dressing room despite demands for special treatment. This will reduce injuries, casualties, and the ensuing ambulance expenses.

Necessary for its survival, the soprano develops an effective stage presence which, as similarly observed with the plumage of birds, involves the creation of a strong persona with a unique and opinionated fashion sense. Darwin’s Theory of Evolution shows us that when the affection and adoration of a cultured audience is lacking, a soprano is thusly demonstrated to not be "fit" enough to survive the demands of the position and is likely to wither and die in public contempt. While the fully grown diva has survived to win this adoration and acceptance, the maturing soprano often suffers a gross lack of common sense.

Irony may be found in the budding soprano's scathing criticism of the unrefined fashion sense of the average mortal, for while she may look down upon a mixture of brown and black in an outfit, she will not recognize when her attire is likely more revolting. For example, one may find sopranos wearing winter shoes with summer dresses, enormous belts that reflect the stage lights, and even translucent leggings with leopard print panties beneath. Some adolescent sopranos can even be found to wear skirts far too short for the average audience's comfort.

[An advertisement to mothers with young children is warranted: do not approach a fully developed soprano that is wearing stage makeup, as the frightful image, when comparing the ability to reduce a child to tears, lowers a clown's red-nosed makeup to amateur status]

And so, with a better understanding of this curious being that is the soprano, one can be better prepared to deal with the inevitable challenges encountered in day to day life. For as they like to constantly remind us: no opera is complete without them...or so we let them think.